Clarity. I love to think my wants for the future are clear. That my goals are pretty clear, albeit still unfulfilled. I have always wanted to be a communicator. Me as an anchor. As a writer. As a customer care agent. As a PR. As a journalist. The list goes on. I thought it’d be pretty easy.
As a child,I was ambitious in the way most youth are, golden eyed, crazily itching to start living. In primary school,I thought clarity would come with being a young teen. Somehow secondary school was to be the eye opener. Life would be explained. Not true at all.
As a young teen I waited anxiously to enter the hallowed halls of a university, surely then clarity would not elude me. The young adults I’d seen seemed to have it all explained. I wanted that.
I wanted to love. Love is very romantic when you’re not allowed to be in it. As are other things to be frank. I wanted to understand why hurts hurt so much and why even though I was nice and eager, oh so eager to be everything for someone, I wasn’t allowed to. I was haughty about the idea that distance could make someone hard to love, or that someone could take of you but never give back. I thought clarity would come of age.
In University I floundered. Yes, I was of age. Nothing was off limits. This was IT! Come clarity, come. But she was mute. For the first time, my house made of dominoes and illusion collapsed on itself.
I really did not know what I was doing. I was just a small child living in a hefty adult body suit, swimming against a strong current going the opposite direction. I know we all were, scared little children putting on red lipstick, dripping the blood of our lost innocence, alone, figuring out that for once without the rules that governed our existence before, we were all lost and alone.
So I like the millions of young adults before me who make this decision, chose to start with what I knew and go from there. I did my homework, clung to the friendships of those who were willing to explore the vast nothingness with me and we made it.
After Bachelors, I thought perhaps a measure of the elusive goddess clarity would come to me, surely we find what we seek after a time no? perhaps. Maybe she called but I didn’t answer. I do not know.
Here’s a gif of me trying to figure out life as an adult.
I’ve been thinking, I think there is no magic formula to life, no goddess, no answers, I will never know the answer to some stuff because there is no clear answer, I am who I am because I am who I am and that’s fine with me.
I have come to realize that our lives are jigsaw puzzles but we’re not the ones playing.